In the interest of not letting blind pimples ruin my face for 10 days, here’s how I deal with the bastards. The technique works, which is the good news provided I DO NOT pick at it, which I won’t. The bad news is that I have been known to pick at it.

While it’s just a painful, red, half-bump: ice it and reduce the swelling

This is crucial, this bit. If you play this right, it might not Vesuvius all over your face. So: take an ice cube, and wrap in a tissue. Hold it on the spot for five minutes on, 10 minutes off. Do this at least three times in a row if you can. Drink lots of water.

When it starts to show a head, you need to carefully, gently get The Monster up to the surface

After a shower (the steam assists greatly in the drawing-out process), take a clean face cloth or a thick cotton pad and dip it into a sink of hot but not-too-hot-to-touch water. Hold this compress on the pimple for as long as possible. Re-dip in the water when it cools down. Do this for at least five minutes.

Now apply a drawing paste or replenishing clay mask (The Removalist, obviously). These are usually made of things like clay, sulfur and zinc oxide. Apply to the head of the pimple with a cotton tip. (If you're using a clay mask leave it on for 10-15 minutes then remove, if you're using a drawing paste, pop it on and go to bed so it can do its work.) You will have either a very obvious whitehead in the morning, or as sometimes magically happens, just some faint redness, because it’s matured the whitehead so fully that it’s completely gone.

When the whitehead is right at the surface, it’s time to carefully extract

If things are still red and tender, or shiny and taut, no touchy touchy. It’s not ready. Conceal it and repeat the drawing process that night/as soon as it’s viable.

If the whitehead is more evident than redness, and it’s trying to jump out of your skin, you’re ready, sugar.

Do the hot water compress biz from above for a couple of minutes, then wrap half a tissue around each of your index fingers. Put a finger each side of the whitehead, then carefully, very gently, with NO NAILS DIGGING IN, push down on the sides, then kind of roll your fingers upwards to encourage the head to pop out. The idea is to get down deep on the sides, and push the very bottom of the whitehead up and out. Do the same motion from a few different spots to share the pressure (and fun!) around.

You should see no blood. There shouldn’t even be indentations where you’ve been pushing: it has to all be very gentle.

Finishing up and preventing scarring…

This bit is important, you guys. Once you’ve popped it’s all open to bacteria, so be sure to lock that shit well out.

First, apply a bit of pressure on the spot, to stop any potential bleeding or swelling and redness. Then wipe on some purifying lotion with a cotton ball or pad.

Now leave it alone for a couple of hours. It needs to heal and breathe. So no makeup, nothing. (Extractions are always best done at night.) Once the area is flaking a bit, and dry, use a deliciously nourishing and soothing face oil (Face Hero, obviously) and a replenishing, antioxidant rich face cream (Very Useful Face Cream, obviously) on the area to encourage healing and scar reduction.

If you follow these steps, you can successfully wallop a blind pimple without all the mess that usually accompanies them.

If I follow these steps, I get all of that and a Snickers Ice Cream bar as a special reward.